Marla St Syr is dead. Cedryk Singer lives.

http://cedryksinger.wordpress.com

On Friday I’m having a lumpectomy on my left breast. Needless to say, I’m terrified. I always feared that this would happen, and now it is. I’m having tissue removed from my breast, and I have no idea how much. My surgeon jokingly says that I “have enough to spare” which is true, but I’m still scared shitless.

It took me so long to feel comfortable and sexy with my size, and to be comfortable in my femininity, well, the little that I possess, so what the hell am I supposed to do when the doctor is taking away the MAIN part of my femininity?

Due to the extent of my surgery, I have to have follow-up appointments three times a week. Yeah, it’s that serious. Luckily, I have an amazing manager who is willing to work around that schedule, but still give me a decent amount of hours at work. I’m also lucky to have the support of my family and friends during this ridiculously scary time. I’m going to be hooked up to tubes and have some sponge-like thing in my breast for who knows how long.

Over the next two days i have so much stuff that I have to get done before my surgery. Today I’ve got a ton of paperwork to fill out for my surgery, and tomorrow I’m going to spend practically all day in the doctors office doing pre-op stuff, like getting an ultra-sound on my breast, having blood drawn and signing more consent forms and filling out more paperwork.

I’m really getting annoyed with my breast at this point, but this surgeon is doing something that neither of my previous surgeons did, so I’m desperately hoping that the third time is the charm. My left breast is already riddled with scars from my two previous surgeries.

I’m sure you’ve all read about it on Twitter, and Scarlet’s blog. The three of us, myself, Onyx and Scarlet, called it quits when it came to the triad. Onyx and I haven’t spoken since that day. Scarlet and I have decided to put our relationship on hold. I don’t need to defend myself, because I don’t think I did anything wrong. I wrote raw emotions in my Moleskin, it was read by Onyx, who took it upon himself to snoop rather than ask, and I was kicked out of our apartment. The raw emotions that I wrote were in no way reflective of my everyday feelings, just how I felt at the time.

Even though I don’t write on my site a lot, I’m going to be taking a hiatus for a while. Heh, nothing new, right? I’ve got way too much stuff to deal with aside from what happened to the triad and each relationship. I’m mourning the loss of two relationships, betrayal, broken trust, and trying to keep myself happy at the same time. Ellie was kind enough to give me a couple self-help books about mending a broken heart.

Hopefully I’ll get around to posting reviews, but I doubt I’ll be actually blogging here for quite a while.

I’ve grown apathetic toward blogging lately. Not for any reason in particular, more that I don’t have that much to talk about and what I do have to talk about I don’t want being read. But here’s an update anyway – I had surgery about two weeks ago. The recurring issue with my breast came back and I had to be cut open, once again. Funny story though, as Onyx, Scarlet and myself were walking to the ER, poor Scarlet fell and sprained her ankle =( but all is well now.

As I’m sure that you’ve read on Scarlet’s blog, the three of us are not in the situation that we had originally planned/wanted. I’m working on my own issues as well as the three of us working on the triad issues. Scarlet and Onyx are both great people, and no matter how this situation turns out, I know that they will both have some part in my life no matter what.

In addition to figuring out how the triad will work, or at least where we can get somewhere where we’re all happy here, I’m reevaluating my sexual identity, orientation, gender role, et cetera, so on and so forth. I’m dealing with the twinge of sadness that the holidays are upon us, and this is my first time being away from home for Turkey Day and Christmas. Not to mention, I’m still healing from my surgery, and that in itself is going to continue for what the doctors think will be at least a few more weeks.

I’m worried about hurting my partners with what I write, which is also why I haven’t been writing in here as often as I would like. Even now, I find myself backspacing quite a bit so that I don’t overstep my bounds and “say” something that will later bite me in the ass. That can be saved more my Moleskin writing, where I have no one to judge what I say, or get hurt, upset, whathaveyou by the things I write.

I have a tattoo on each forearm. The left one says “to thine ownself be true” and the right says “seize fate by the throat”. Lately, I’ve been forgetting to do either. I need to be true to who I am, whoever that may be, and I need to take every chance I have, and be happy with the choices I make. I used to live in the moment, not so much anymore. I’m going to do my best to get back to that person that I was – happy, carefree, loving, and loved.

I love to take baths, especially ones filled with bubbles. Last night I was in the tub and Scarlet decided to sit in the bathroom and visit with me while I did so. I turned onto my stomach, and she immediately started snapping pictures.

After I turned back over, we shared some laughs and she continues to take pictures of me with her iPhone.

Lately I’ve been writing in my Moleskin instead of writing here, online. There are certain things that I need to express that I would rather not have anyone read, including either of my partners. While it’s helped a lot, I feel that I’ve been excluding my site and reviews that need to be done.

Two weeks ago my left breast started acting up, the same way that caused me to have surgery on it a few days before moving here to Seattle. I really haven’t expressed on here why/what happened/what caused the initial surgery, and I doubt that I ever will. I saw my doctor several times, and even went to the emergency room during the past two weeks. My wonderful doctors prescribed a shit ton of medicine to me, and I’m happy to report that everything is clearing up nicely.

Also, a week ago, my mother was in town. She flew from South Carolina to see me and meet my partners. I really needed to see her, and damn it helped having her with me in the doctor’s office, grocery shopping, you name it. I stayed her hotel 3 out of 4 nights that she was here. I was a blubbering mess when she flew out last Sunday.

There’s not much else to say, so I won’t keep you any longer.

Just a nice time in the bathtub, ’cause I’m good like that.

Liberator is the top sex furniture manufacturer this side of. . . well, everything! When you say “Liberator” in a crowd full of sex bloggers, sex-positive people, you’ll get a very good reaction. So it’s no surprise that when I received the Stage from Liberator to review, I was nothing short of pleased. The Stage can be used several ways, such as straddling your partner on it, using it in combination with other Liberator shapes, or just lounge on it!

The Stage comes in three different sizes: 24″ x 48″, 24″ x 58″ (for someone taller than 6′4″), and 30″ x 48″ (for those of us of the plus size/average height persuasion). All sizes are nine inches high. Of course the Stage comes in your choice of (several) colors and materials, which I don’t think I should list because I’m feeling a bit lazy today.

Let’s get down to what makes a Stage. The core of the Stage (and all Liberator shapes) is a big foam shape that is extremely comfortable and can sustain quite a bit of weight. I, myself, am not a small girl by any stretch of the imagination, and after a few sessions and lots of lounging on the Stage, it looked just like it did the day I received it. Score 3 points: Liberator.

The next layer of the Stage is a silky liner that absorbs any liquids/bodily fluids etc., and is made of the same material that is in the Liberator Throe. This silky liner has a zipper attached in case you want to take it off and give it a thorough cleaning. The microfiber layer is the fun part. One can mix and match colors/patterns/materials to their liking and get the perfect Stage for them.

The microfiber cover also has a zipper and is machine washable, so you don’t have to take it to the dry cleaners and try to explain what that stain is. Last, but not least, there’s the wonderful zip up, handled carrying case (liner) that comes along with your Stage. It’s a great way to store your Liberator shape somewhere without worrying that something will spill on it and stain/ruin the microfiber cover.

Thanks so much to Liberator for allowing me to review the Stage! Go check out Liberator’s shapes, and Black Label shapes!

Kama Sutra constantly puts out wonderful products, so I jumped at the chance to review the Intensifying Gel. The Cooling Gel is made to add a little pizazz to foreplay and sex by creating a tingling sensation when used. I found that the Cooling Gel works really well when it’s blown on or is in contact with airflow. The Gel is supposed to be placed on the skin directly below the clit, and worked in a circular motion until a sensation is felt, and are encouraged to use more if necessary.

Obviously the gel is not meant to get someone off just by itself, it is supposed to help achieve satisfaction of some sort. While I’m not a huge fan of warming/cooling gels, I really did give this the ole’ college try, and found that I liked it a lot. My one complaint about the gel is that it has parabens in it. It’s the last product on the ingredinent list which means there aren’t a lot in there, but they’re there nonetheless. Thanks so much to lovedreamer.com for giving me the opportunity to review the Kama Sutra Intensifying Cooling Gel!